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Hooray for the “Top Chef” judges at the table

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However, the texture, taste, smell or sound of the dish were not appealing to us.

Aww, welcome the chefs! Today we asked you to bring a twist on a traditional dish of your childhood for the Aspen Food’ Wine Classic. We will, by taste, presentation and whatever mood we are in, judge your dishes.

Bryce, first – You grilled octopus with a recipe that you found in the grave of your grandmother. We loved your story but your octopus was too dry and too wet. It tasted as if you never had a childhood. We gave you fourteen seconds to make 80 Entrees for two hundred people on the edge of a cliff. Was wrong with this?

Antonia, your entry was mushrooms balls. We appreciate that it is linked to the family’s death in the hooves of a vengeful truffle pig. We found the texture, taste, taste, scent or sound of the dish – however – not appealing. You have made the ingredients so easily together that this dish technically is illegal in Chechnya. Was wrong with the plan?

Candace, the apples in your tarte tartin were not uniformly-sized. Some were burned, some were raw and some were turduckens. How do you not know the difference between fruit and meat when you have studied under Mark Wahlberg? Your dish tastes as though it was prepared by nine people who have never heard of food before. Was wrong with us?

Blemphis: We hate you as a person. Was wrong with this?

Brice, your tomato soup brought me back to my childhood, which was unfortunately a very bad time for me. At age seven, I was involved in a terrible wagon crash that left me paralysed from the tongue down for more than a year. My parents forgot they had a child so they never fed me, but each day the maid sneaked a little bit of tomato soup in my I.V. One day she died beside me and no one came to look for her body. For a week, the smell of her rotting corpse mixed with the smell of tomatoes and basil. Your soup reminds me of that soup. Was wrong with it?

Priyanka you didn’t show your dish on time so we had to eat all the plate. It was crunchy, but tasty. Was wrong with it?

Tad, your dish was so tasty that it made me forgive my mother. It was sweet but sour, rich but light, spicy but carrot, rich but bitter, complex but treacherous. It transcended what food was capable of before and taught us a lesson about humanity to everyone. We liked it sadly too much. Pack your knives and you are ready.

And don’t worry about it, you can always repeat your mistakes on the “Last Chance Kitchen” to ensure that you deserved it by failing first.

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